On Retirement

Unlike my friend, I pondered very little of my mortality around the annual commemorative of my birth. I did fall victim to a sales pitch and open an IRA to supplement my existing retirement funds. When discussing details, I was vastly disappointed they only had a single, high-risk, volatile fund option. I had specifically requested a violent, Biblically volatile, Taliban fund thinking the greater the risk, the greater the reward. Lacking the magnitude of risk I was original seeking, I began to ponder another retirement option.

 
I have no desire to play golf, travel a great deal, or raise Alpacas in my golden years. I can accomplish all of these things in my working years – especially travel. In my retirement I plan to shoot heroine, smoke weed, and spend each and every Monday faded and watching the race continue without my participation. All things I dare not do now. Chances are, to fund this activity, I will need to travel and sell the product I intend to use. My expectation is that it will only be a small matter of time before I do a large stint. So what? Instead of a cubicle, I will be in a cell with three hots and a cot. I am too unsightly to shag now. After years more of indentured servitude and my time riding the white horse, with a monkey on my back, rocking the ganja I will not become more attractive (except in my own mind). Full medical, dental, and vision without any premiums! No longer at great risk for being raped especially since everyone knows Toothy Fats keeps his dentures in no matter what. The latter part of the nickname comes from the contribution of magic brownies to my waistline.

 
So the kids won’t want to visit and have the grandkids see the old man in prison and be forced to answer difficult questions. Because the stereotype is long-term care facilities building parking garages to house the vehicles of all the visitors? Nonsense. No need to visit, just keep my commissary full and tell the grandbabies that on a limited income, old man can only afford to send them trivial presents like a toothbrush, Vaseline, or flip flops. Every now and then, should you feel the urge, pop in for a visit and brings lots of OTC smokes. You know, the good stuff old man cannot find in commissary and are worth a hundred times their weight in corn bread. Hope I am arrested in Arizona, I hear they have good eats in the penitentiary.

Online Date Melange

In return for the wisdom about the newest online dating site, I hope someone will solve the phenomenon discussed at the bottom.

 

In order to see a lion, giraffe, monkeys, or elephant one would go to the _ _ _ sk. Enough typed?

  • There is more cleavage here than a Hollywood, star-studded, red-carpet event. A celebration of the success of awareness brought by pink ribbon magnets.
  • The profiles with only a single picture are mail-order bride services. They will make first contact which serves as another clue (after the fortieth or so I realized this is the case, but in my defense see item 1 and remember there is only so much blood in the human body and in order to function at its full 10%, the brain needs plenty of oxygen).
  • Women lie about their age or good dear love for the creator what did you do to that in 32 years?!? I was born unattractive but my lifestyle over time hasn’t made it worse.
  • Boobs are the Black Jack, buy the insurance. You will not regret the investment. Seriously, one cannot overstate the cleavage. Boobs in a bikini are the Texas Hold ‘Em all in.
  • No woman is as interested in you as those from item 2.
  • No woman is attractive enough to approach after her list of: ‘no druggies, no alcoholics, no pimps, drug pushers, abusers, married men, baby mama drama, separated men, men who run back to their exes, deadbeats…’
  • Don’t MegaFlirt, just don’t.
  • Be certain to state you are living life to the fullest, like music, fun, and dancing.
  • Listen to Meghan Trainor’s All About That Bass when you peruse through the carousel.

 

Now, please solve this puzzle. Most men understand women go to the bathroom in herds. Where are they though? So many online photos of women in public restrooms and you can only see one of them. Are the others legs-lifted in the stalls giggling? Is it a photographic version of hide and seek? Does this explain why most potty-space photos are taken with arm extended out and from above the head of the subject? “Cindy, your man feet sized shoes are in the shot. Scoot back!” “Seriously, stop flushing the toilets. It isn’t funny! Stop! <snort>”

Twitter @2guysandadonut

If you aren’t following us on Twitter, you have missed much wisdom:

 

How can you be homophobic and participate in bipartisan politics?

If men don’t make eye contact with women, why was Medusa such a threat?

Are glass ceilings to blame for the death of innovation in corporate America.

We are all omniscient within our paradigm.

If you wipe the sleep from your eyes, does it get everywhere else?

If you never give up, aren’t you just throwing good money after bad?

If something is your bread and butter, are you putting all of your eggs in one basket?

That without utility can never be beautiful, In the converse you have a definition of art.

Velcro is the perfect solution for those lacking the commitment of duct tape.

Sadly the no means no propaganda clashed with the never take no for an answer motivator.

Are pets a member of the family or the ultimate portable food/bug out pack?

What a marvelous spectacle hands must be to creatures with paws.

Exactly what were the circumstances inspiring the saying “You bet your ass”?

Is Billy Joel’s ‘Only the Good Die Young’ a confession?

 

Vegas Expectations

It has recently been decided by members of my high school class that our 25th reunion should be held in Las Vegas next year. Led by our hero, Him, we will descend on Sin City in all our middle-aged glory for 3 days. I would make a joke about death and resurrection on the third day, but I’m not allowed to talk about death anymore.
I’ve never been to Vegas before and I’m really looking forward to it. Is there a sense of loss that I never experienced Vegas as a single man? Maybe a little. Ironically, I have a goal of still being married when I leave Vegas…to the same woman as when I arrived.
Fortunately, my friend and fellow blogger has a wealth of Vegas experience. I expect very little if any sleep, but otherwise a plotline ranging between Ocean’s 11 and The Hangover.
The role of Danny Ocean, the Idea Man, will be played to perfection by Him. The Julia Roberts role will be played by whoever he marries…I’ll have to check the itinerary for the exact time. I’ll either be a Chevy Chase version of the Brad Pitt character…or quite possibly the tiger in the bathroom. I’ll say hi to Tyson for you.

Rewrite

One last good-natured poke at my co-author and then I will return to an assault on the inane and a quick post later about missing the many wonders of the opposite sex. Should anyone else struggle to work their way through the last few posts of Hys, I suggest paraphrasing them as a telegram from the true era of the telegraph.

As an example, 2am self torture—parenting addition becomes:

Need to poo stop

Life has me down stop

Love my kids stop

Dwelling on past stop

Dwelling on death stop

Amtrak product placement stop

Planning for future while inebriated stop

How do I stop stop

Perhaps less of the intended message is communicated but the spirit of the blog is honored and we can place the past in the past. No woman has ever come between us and not just because we were never successful with women. I know some may attribute our struggle to the faithful use of the phrase monkey-loving, or the time-honored variation hot, jungle, monkey-loving, as our introductory opener; but the time-honored ice-breaker is timeless and still elicits the same reaction. The blog; however, may well divide us one from the other. Time will tell. Yes, I also just demonstrated time in four dimensions and used the word poo in a single blog. How has blogging not supplemented my income?

Lightening Up

Like most people, I am my own worst enemy when it comes to critiquing myself on any number of subjects. I consider others’ opinions but often am not moved by them in any certain direction. That being said, my fellow blogger pointed out that my last few posts were a bit dark and all had to do with death in some respect. At the start of this blogging adventure, I had stated that we would “brush past” some important subjects on our way someplace else. However, recently I chose to set up shop and write at the corner of self pity and resentment…fun reading for all I’m sure you’d agree.
It’s time to move on or rather back to the spirit of what got this blog started in the first place…to share our insights, sarcasm, and painfully gained worldly knowledge to the masses…or the half a dozen people who found our blog by accident at 2 in the morning.

On Parenting

My compadre was clearly troubled with a parent’s burden when last he blogged. Perhaps my latest addition will be comforting although anyone who has read a previous entry is justifiably skeptical.

Superman – orphan

Lex Luthor – parents

Spiderman – orphan

Green Goblin – parents

Batman – orphan

Penguin – parents

Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Kaczynski, Ted Bundy, Timothy McVeigh, myself – parents.

Family guy you, Shakespearean drama ‘deny thy father and refuse thy name’, murky-grey distinction between orphan and parents. Of course let us not forget Hitler who is the exception to this rule and, as always, screws everything up.

We live in the flyover man. The biggest parental concerns are meth, teen pregnancy, and obesity. I understand your children favor their mother and the signs of meth use may be difficult to spot, but the missing toys and requests for gift cards and cash versus tangible gifts is also a strong indication of meth use – or teenagers. Given the genetic predisposition towards twitching like a meth-head, you can worry less about the obesity thing. Finally, if they are like their father, the will not lose their virginity until their thirties either so you need not worry about teen pregnancy.

To ease your burden, might I suggest you Nick at Nite and revisit some old television favorites? Keep a pen and pad handy and jot down all the wisdom and parental guidance from these shows. You can then regurgitate to your heart’s content and they will be none the wiser as I expect they have no interest in Little House on the Prairie or Leave it to Beaver. You will be a modern day Wilford Brimley without the commercials as long as you adhere to the one rule of Charles Ingalls and NOT Michael Landon.

Career Suicide

Dear Mr. CEO:

Regarding the PMO meeting of 8/28/2014 and after watching the CEO Update Video on ‘Back to Basics’, my long standing concerns have yet to be alleviated. Although the admission management was indeed guilty of not listening was affirming, the opportunity to listen and act was presented and disregarded in the same moments as addressed. The exact ‘sense of urgency’ previously cautioned as lost, remains ignored. To explain, and from the benefit of the associates’ vantage, many calls dropped from the meeting after the sole question regarding compensation was discussed. Facts were stated: bonuses have been eliminated, merit increases eliminated, and also admission management promised a very specific action regarding back dating compensation. The promise was not kept in blatant disregard of integrity as defined in layperson terms in the associate handbook.

‘…recapture our former spirit and our company soul.’ Referenced as the ‘heart and soul of our company’ in the aforementioned PMO meeting but vaguely defined in the abstract. Perhaps a clearer metaphor would be the body and soul. To clarify, the heart and soul offered feedback to the head which was disregarded as already explained. The end result of communication can best be summed in the language of the millennials as heart and soul agreed the head “done lost its <expletive omitted> mind.” The heart and soul of the company, the culture (as defined by inherent collectivism) has remained and attempted many times to screw the head back on right only to remain disheartened and dispirited. Heart and soul of the company have seen the head change its mind and still speak the empty rhetoric synonymously known as corporate buzzwords.

The opportunities available for growth with our customers were credited to existing relationships and although the model of inverted pyramid with customers and those who are in contact with customers was used, those at the top of the model have been denied compensation for key contributions in the role of creating opportunities. What if we apply the very same model to our associates as we do our customers? Choose to grow the relationship with the associates you know, tried and true, versus looking at how your competitors compensate or following others’ lead, or seeking an unknown resource.

Has the heart and soul gone from the company or endured and strived to deliver to the customers in hopes the head would return to basics and core beliefs?

Regards,

Soon to be unemployed